Violently Happy: funnies

Showing posts with label funnies. Show all posts

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Throwback Thursday

A few days ago I cleaned out all my old files. Our drawer was getting to full so I thought "I should clean out my old car folders, since I've hoarded all my paperwork for all eight of my cars!" So, look what I found!!

My old school IDs and driver's licenses.

Did you catch my surfer phase in tie dye? These crack me up!

I still have my provisional drivers permit from when I was fifteen. Funny fact...I wore my Hot Dog on a Stick uniform the day I took my driver's license test back in 1993. I am pretty sure it helped me pass. It was such a laid back experience, my DMV tester (looked like a creep) let me play the radio and I barely had to do anything other than drive around the block. I remember he had horrible breath and kept asking me if I was going out to party when I got my license, gross! Which is probably why I still suck at parallel parking twenty years later.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Michael K is my homeboy

Remember last month I whined about sucking at a job writing for D-listed? Then despite my lack of qualifications and overall uncoolness, I still applied? Well, Mister K wrote me via email this evening!!

"Hi!

I owe you a whole lot of balloons with "I'm Sowwy" written on each of them, because I am so late in responding to you. I had a lot of applications to read and since I'm lazy and kind of slow in the head it took me a while. Thank you for taking time out of your life to apply to be an intern for my mess of a blog, but I have decided to go with another candidate.

I will drink to you tonight, and since this is obviously a form letter (see: me being lazy) I have a lot of drinking to do tonight. So I should get to it.

Thank you again. If you do hate me because of this, let's meet out back and handle it by catfighting, because I've always want to Vaseline up my face.

Love and Lucite,

Michael"

Why am I all giddy like the time I met Björk and asked her *like a complete dörk* if I could take a picture with her and she told me "NO!" and I followed her all night trying to get a photo with her anyway?! I find celebrity rejection hilarious!

PS Never piss Björk off...She's tiny yet ratchet!

I'm so happy he was kind enough to let me *and the rest of us who applied* down gently. I wasn't even expecting a response. Now he's making me wanna Single White Female him even more.

Now I must go pray to my Michael K shrine made of cheeto bags and lucite heels!!

Friday, September 6, 2013

Best things on the internet

This is fucking funny. Enjoy!

By Lucky Shirt

Dear Guy Who Just Made My Burrito:

Have you ever been to earth?

On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:

You’re an idiot.

Let me further explain:

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.

Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.

When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.

And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:

Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.

Nope.

My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.

You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.

And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.

What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.

I just want a burrito.

In conclusion:

You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.

Did you like this post? I made something else I think you’ll like more.

This has been a commercial.

Also, it is meant to be a work of humor. If you take from this that a human being really got as angry about a burrito as the post suggests, please never introduce me to the human beings you know.

Also...

Joy's rad new studio has me all twee!