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This is fucking funny. Enjoy!

By Lucky Shirt

Dear Guy Who Just Made My Burrito:

Have you ever been to earth?

On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:

You’re an idiot.

Let me further explain:

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.

Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.

When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.

And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:

Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.

Nope.

My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.

You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.

And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.

What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.

I just want a burrito.

In conclusion:

You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.

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Did you like this post? I made something else I think you’ll like more.

This has been a commercial.

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Also, it is meant to be a work of humor. If you take from this that a human being really got as angry about a burrito as the post suggests, please never introduce me to the human beings you know.

Also... 

Joy's rad new studio has me all twee!

I'm green with envy over her mint green Smeg!!

The most awesome house in Los Angeles is for sale at a bargain $24.5 mill! Check out the chimney.

If Disney Princesses had Instagram accounts

On my wishlist, so tempted now they are on sale! What do you think?

I love Bill Fucking Murray!

I walked in on Liv making mimosas in her kitchen...high five!

Now wash those dirty dishes!

Happy Friday!

Back to School!

Today is the 1st day for Olivia's second year of preschool. She is now a Yellow Dragon in a smaller class. Most of the same kids are in her class *including her BFF Liam* but friends from other classes are now in her class too. She already knows one of her teachers and she loves her. Liv did great on her first day even though she wasn't in a picture taking mood. I miss taking her monthly photos but Antz and I agree, every 6 months is good enough for now.

Liv finally fits the lovely Misha Lulu dress Godmommy Aimee got her for Christmas

New rad teachers!

I can't believe it was just last year she started school!

This year Liv is taking a soccer class on Wednesdays. I'm looking forward to an awesome school year.

Happy Happy One Thousandth post!!

I can't believe it! I am expecting balloons and confetti to fall from the ceiling. To mark this literary occasion, here's some photos from our labor day weekend. We spent most of our time at home enjoying our little air conditioned bungalow *it was over 100 degrees this weekend!*.

I can't believe I've lived in this house for almost 8 years and this is the first photo of me sitting on my porch

And of course Olivia is trying to make me laugh!

Liv is loving her new ballet and hip hop class!

She's one of the youngest in the class but still taller.

Her teacher Anna Maria is so RAD! Liv is so much more focused and follows the choreography so well.

The class begins a half hour later now, so I get to sleep in a bit later, Yay!

 Here's a funny video of Liv dancing hip hop

Antz and I made a "lady rainicorn" piñata for Liv. 

Liv helped out too

It was simple to make, but tedious

Super cute, huh? We won't break this guy.

We totally copied the design from Whack Piñataria. She is a piñata-making GENUIS!

This has become a disturbing, major addiction in our house.

Candy Fucking Crush!!

If we are friends on Facebook, please send me some lives. I've been stuck on this level for weeks!

Summer seems to always fly by in a blink of an eye. Despite the unbearable heat, I love the long sunny days, less traffic and tons of fun things to do. I didn't finish everything on my summer bucket list but I can always extend it into September.

1. As always, Beach days!
2. Last year we didn't make it to a concert at the Hollywood bowl, so I'm super stoked to see Björk at the Bowl June 11th!! *Björk was AMAZING!!*
   
3. Attend Liv's school Summer Masquerade Serenade *We had a wonderful time*
   
   
   
4. Grill this!!     

Rosemary and beef kebabs

    5.  Have a family BBQ *we went to Leslie & Stephen's annual BBQ*
    6.  Braid my hair  *Done.

        7. Go to Disneyland *for Liv's 3rd Birthday* 

         8.  Have dinner at Knotts Berry Farm.  *I love their biscuits with Knott's jam*
         9.  Attend Tom & Jess's beach wedding in July *Done*

        10. Attend the Renegade Craft Fair *Done*
        11. Have a friends BBQ *and make a signature cocktail*
        12. Cook at least 5 recipes from my Pinterest board *and use my new crock pot*
        13. Take Olivia to see Monster's University
        14. Stage an intervention for Amanduh Bynes *next it's Miley's turn *
        15. Buy this adorable sun hat for me, a Mexican dress for Olivia and Antz could use
              new sunglasses too!

      16.  Go bike riding on the Strand

 
Bonus: Swim/tan as often as possible! *we swam a bunch this summer and got golden tans*

 

Tomorrow Liv begins a new school year. We are so excited for her to be a big yellow dragon!

Donuts are all the rage!

Cupcakes are soo last year, now donuts are the newest dessert craze in particular, the cronut™! Created by Dominique Ansel in his bakery in New York, it has become an overnight sensation. Even celebrities *ahem, or their nieces* can't get their million dollar hands on them.

The original Cronut

Los Angeles has the West Coast version called Crö-dough at Rockenwagner Bakery on Abbot Kinney in Venice. Last night we left the house too late to score one. Then I remember seeing a cro-nut on my Instagram feed so we were stoked to discover the bakery that made them was close by and open 24 hours!

We headed to Santa Monica Blvd and arrived at DK Donuts & Bakery. This place is donut heaven. They have every donut you have ever imagined and then more. There was so many flavors, varieties and the aroma was mouth-watering. We were knee deep in fat people food porn!

I had the Maple Bacon Bliss O'nut and Antz had a plain glazed O'nut, Liv had a pink sprinkles *cause you know this kids loves pink!*Don't blame me if you find yourself driving over there tonight at 10pm, I warned you! It was sooo worth the long ass drive to Santa Monica. It's good DK's is so far away so it will be an once in a while treat... 


B U T... this week a new donut place is opening on York in Highland Park so we are gonna be in donut paradise.

Opening this week

Donut Friend is adjacent to the hip ice cream place, Scoops. We've been walking past it since February with curious glances and hoping it will meet our high expectations. The owner is a musician and he sounds pretty rad. I like the idea of building your own donut and he takes donut flavor suggestions. With all the donut buzz and York Blvd popularity, I don't doubt there will be a long line at this place all the time.

*UPDATE: If you looking to get your donut fix, here's a map of all the places in Los Angeles that are making them.

Happy Eating!

Halloween costume ideas

I like fall, not as much as summer and spring but I'm ready for the weather to cool down *hopefully* and scarf season is approaching. It has me thinking about Halloween costume ideas. We started watching the nerdy Heroes of Cosplay show. While the people are annoying and overly dramatic, we tune in for the creative costumes. I always feel like they always give an award to the people on the show even though there are better costumes. It just dawned on me that we took a picture with one of the girls from the show at Comic Con in 2011.

Becky Young as Harley Quinn

Last week, Liv saw this Taffyta Muttonfudge costume on the show from Wreck-it Ralph and now she is obsessed with being "the strawberry girl".

Becky Young as Taffyta Muttonfudge

"Mom! I wanna be the strawberry girl!" I hear about 15 times a day. I think there are better versions of Taffyta.

Taffyta Muttonfudge, Candlehead, Rancis Fluggerbutter & Vanellope Von Schweetz

I'd much rather her go as Vanellope the cute hero of the film but Liv is all about pink these days, so Taffyta is all she wants.  Taffyta Muttonfudge is the ringleader of the mean girls but she's voiced by Mindy Kaling and I love that lady! It doesn't seem that difficult to make and I was planning on getting her some new converse, so a pink pair would work. Then Antz would go as Ralph and I guess I would be Fix it Felix. This costumes are too fucking cute.

King Candy, Vanellope and Fix it Felix

This Calhoun *Liv says that's my character* costume is great but too complicated for me to make

Sugar Rush Racers

These ladies are awesome!

This guy is a perfect Felix Jr.

OMG! Turbo is brilliant!

I bow down to these cosplayers, they are bringing it!

There's so many cute options for Wreck-it Ralph costumes. But there's no way we are building a race car for her too, no matter how many times she says please!! Any big ideas for Halloween? I have another costume in mind but I'm gonna keep mum until I make up my mind.